Forgivemess was originally a felicitous typo that morphed into an expression, an idea, a folder on my laptop encompassing the power and mess around forgiveness. It became a construct I relate to in so many ways. As it turns out, there is little I have lived or written that could not be fittingly filed in this folder. A reckless well-intended ex-Catholic girl, recovering alcoholic, member of a large predominately Irish family, that’s me. Forgiveness has figured in my recovery and sanity and ongoing process of stabilization. It is giving. It is expansive and wise, and has a huge payback. The dividends for forgiveness are plentiful: untangling ancient resentments and fears, a quieter mind and spirit, ejecting the inner tapes of suspicion, hurt, and doubt replacing them with blessed peace. Until the next time.

Forgiveness is a lifelong project. Getting there, getting to forgivemess (I did it again; forgivemess turns out to be my default spelling for forgiveness). Getting to forgiveness is challenging and messy, the wounds that necessitate it so easily re-stimulated. People are put off by the noise and loose ends, the jumble of conflicting emotions, by ruinous family history, events and behaviors for which there are no simple words like “I’m sorry.” It’s simpler to just stay mad. You fucked up, I hate you forever. Period. It takes time and even courage or desperation to forgive. Forgiveness is not necessarily reciprocal. And so, is it ever complete? Isn’t there that trail of doubt, thread of uncertainty, the brother who will not pick up the phone for months, the friend who does not reply to an amends letter. Forgiveness has elements of grief, the ache of letting go. Our dogs, no matter the season, keep dragging in more dirt, delighted to be inside, they sometimes shake their dirt and yard debris all over the floor, into the atmosphere, their pleasure, the pleasure of them, accompanied by incoming mess, a mess we moan about but for which they are always forgiven. I forgive the dogs’ untidiness because it is part of their nature, and I love them. They delight me. If only it were so uncomplicated with the humans in my life.

Welcome to my mess.